Friday, February 1, 2008 at 11:35pm

Grand Rapids : Hey Cody, are you cold enough yet?
Cody : HELL NO. Pile on more of that shit, I'm a fucking champion son.
Grand Rapids : ...okaybie.

To preface, if at anytime when reading this you think, 'Hey I do that'...good. Its time someone called you on your shit.

In equality's sake, I'll start off with me. When I'm trudging through the snow my eyes are wide and while I don't feel crazed or uncomfortable... I do get very anxious. I cannot stand other drivers. They scare me. The pull out in front of me. The are so very dumb.

It has been my observation that there are not only different kinds of drivers but also different outlooks on the vehicles they drive. Both the types of drivers and the vehicles they drive can all be interchanged with each other.

DRIVERS
<The Jeff Gordon>
These assholes really give us all something to despise. The second some powder hits the ground they act like the goddamn Daytona just opened up. Regardless of the kind of vehicle they are driving and whether or not it is equipped for snow is besides the point; because they are going to fucking run you down no matter the distance. They like to gunn the vehicle the second the light turns even though we all know they're just going to spin tredd. You've seen them, these are the fools that blaze on down the double yellows fishtailing every so often causing the rest of us to hit the brakes praying sweet Jesus we don't hit them when they spin out.

<The Quitter>
My personal favorite; these skiddish individuals have already given up before the engine even warms up. Their tires freespin, they shiver. Car fishtails, they scream. Brakes lock up, they're unlocking their door getting ready to bail. I honestly wish I could be in the car with them when they spin out. I imagine they'd throw their hands up bracing the car ceiling purging all of their wrongdoings in what they believe to be their final moments. [The Quitter] also has a tendency to beg the car to go straight and stop when they cannot control it properly. But hey, I've got to look at something as I'm highway driving...right?

<The Proud Import>
These drivers MUST own an import of some kind [Benz - Rover - BMW - Saab - etc] and they will not let you forget it. Not every import owner sports this kind of unreasonable arrogance but they are out there. The psyche of these jerkoffs is simple, 'I paid good money, its gunna drive good damn it'. While funny to watch the expression on their face as you pass their banked car, they are possibly the most dangerous of all simply because they do not alter their driving habits to accommodate the conditions. Someone needs to explain that just because their car tells them where to go and how to get there doesn't make them a fucking champ...maybe better tires would remedy the situation. Oh hey there you are speeding past, see you in the ditch in 10 miles Todd...hey maybe your car can call your family for you and tell them you'll be late for dinner, eh?

<The Optimist>
Good intentions, Dumbass Person. These drivers are the fodder and the majority of what you see driving. The will drive in ANY condition; when you absolutely have to go see Step Up 2 (the streets), seriously you have to I mean maybe the second will be better...maybe, even though the conditions are white out or worse, these guys are those other crazies on the road. When you are asking yourself who the hell would be dumb enough (other than you) to drive in this shit, these dumbasses are there to answer your question.

CARS
<The 4x4>
Drivers of any car with 4wheel drive capability have an amazing amount of misplaced faith in 4wheel. When questioning their driving ability they will often respond with, 'its okay...I have 4 wheel drive'. Don't even bother trying to explain how stupid they are, they can't hear you over the revving of the engine as they're trying to muscle their way out of a ditch. If anyone is guilty of needlessly spinning out, its these guys. 4wheel is just a different gear, not an excuse to drive like an imbecile. Next time you're in the car with them, tell 'em to turn up their Nickelback; so you won't hear their babble about how fucking cool they think they are and so they won't hear you questioning their sexuality. Oh you can drive anywhere with this thing? Well I heard Todd needed rescuing.

<The Sedan>
You know that guy that can never seem to do anything right, always tripping, running into shit, rebounding off the rim...thats what the sedan is in winter. We can't all be winners but the bar has to be set somewhere. Don't sweat it sedan owner...at least you won't flip when you spin out while you're trying to pull off a sweet power slide, looked pretty cool though dawg...like for real. Not that I have anything against sedans; its just nice to know that I won't be the one stuck in my car for 3 hours listening to NPR while I wait for a tow.

<The Hummer>
I hate the Hummer...I just need to start off with that. My bias against that car is so great I don't think I could even talk to someone openly who drives one of those shitboxes. That car is not as badass as they would like you to believe. Chrome does not make you a badass, it makes you an assclown. Even if the Hummer was a functional utility vehicle that could drive in rough conditions, the J-Holes who buy it would have no damn use for it. What, are you going to thunder on out to your convenience store to stock up on Sambuca, I heard that shit gets you messed up dude.
I just died a little on the inside.
Or better yet why don't you ride that sedan's bumper; you've got places to go Margarita Grill isn't open 24 hours after all, yeah go get you some skanks man.

<The Over-Priced Crossover SUV>
The Lexus, the Porsche, the Benz, the Acura, the Infiniti, every import has one. The ass ugly halfbreed between the SUV and the MiniVan (an already hideous vehicle) is known only as the Crossover. What is the Crossover, people argue it as different things but it is a piece of shit nevertheless. Next gen SUV, I think not. What we have here is a hybrid between the SUV and the owners of the those goddamn imports, essentially the worst possible marriage imaginable. You know what looks really good on a Lexus crossover? A ditch full of snow. In the end the crossover is just a half assed SUV with all of the promises but only some of the ability.

If at any point you found yourself arguing with what I am stating. You're an idiot, my point of view is so incredibly skewed that no car will ever surmount to my '96 Explorer. That car was made by Titan....I read it in the manual. Just before he went on American Gladiators he made my car. With his bare hands.


I found this collecting figurative dust in some old folder on my drive...so I says to myself, 'what the hell'.